Roles beyond sketches...

(From the chapters of : Being Better than the Best...story of coveted "MBA Life"...)
They say, “Theater is not just about acting who you are not, it is about discovering who you really are”. It was one fancy line for me until Gasp happened. I had my share of acting in school. Instead of following that “acting”, I continued doing some “nautanki” in under grad -college. Of course it will not be regarded as a much of a theater experience. But, this Gasp, it sure is real.

Gasp- legacy guild of actors in SPJIMR, when I heard about it from seniors, it meant just another club to me. When I joined this coveted clan, initially, it was just another extra curricular activity foe me. A cult… drama …acting…nautanki…legacy…people gave many names for this. But for me, as the days passed, it became a journey I never wanted to end, a self-exploration, and an attempt to find who I am.  There are very few things in life I am emotionally attached to; Gasp is one of those few now.

Any initiative, activity and event in B School are to be invariably somehow linked to the management lessons, it’s an imperative. Of course Gasp can’t escape this. But I respectfully disagree and choose to make an arrogant statement here -“I didn’t not learn much about management jargons and frameworks. What I learnt is far more precious and valuable than any management lessons.” I learnt to trust people, deal with people, to look beyond first impressions and perceptions. I learned how to handle unexpected, how to convince the expected.  I realized how showing emotions is not a weakness and hiding some is not a strength. (I learned how to cry, literally) I learned how to shed shackles of selfishness, look at the good side of people and take the best from all. Criticizing someone is easy but praising is difficult, when I can easily praise someone yet be honest in opinion that’s the time I know I have achieved that maturity of thoughts and emotions. When odds are many, more than any crisis management or problem solving strategies what we need is to believe  that we can beat those odds. (And, no, all these thoughts are not inspired from Swamiji’s Gita Shibir video. They are self-experienced thoughts put into words)

Now that Gasp is over. Hell, three days are passed. Appreciations have died down. But the hangover is still there. If I speak about it, people say,” enough now.” Or “ too much senti stuff you talking about. Stop it” or  “ Ho gaya, kab tak Gasp gasp karte rahoge”. I don’t answer them, because I know they won’t understand. Nobody can fathom how terribly I miss it.

Now that I wonder, what is that I truly miss? Team members? Practice sessions? Script? Role I played? Acting? I can’t really pin point on one thing. It is this all and something beyond all this. I miss myself. I miss that drive, passion and commitment  to do something. It felt right, kicking and alive. I miss being alive in true sense.

 There is a long silence now filled with nostalgia. I know it’s just a matter of days and Gasp might become just another event we did. Within couple of days I will submerge into the pool of mundane, routine academic work and the intensity of these feelings will drastically reduce. It is just a phase and it will pass sooner than I think of.  But to be honest, I don’t want this feeling to go away. Dwelling in past is not good, but leaving yourself in past is worse. Now I look desperately to attach myself to something else. Amidst of all academic work, I aimlessly search for some work where I can put all that passion again, I can just throw myself into it drown all my time in it and at the end of the day it will feel like doing some real work I enjoy the most. Can I really find something like this ever… ever in life again? Can I really find myself again?

Now I know the reason why they say, life is a bigger stage. We all play different roles, sometimes struggle for perfection, sometimes execute them to best. We choose some roles; some are just given to us. They are mere sketches handed over to us and we color them the way we want. Good actor is the one who knows when to leave which role and when to take up another, how to transform between the roles. Isn’t life all about that?

But then dialogues get over, acts come to an end, curtains fall and the show is now ended. What next? Another show? Another day, rise and shine. Take up new sketch and color a new role for yourself. Well, words are easy to pen down but are actions really that easy?

All good things come to an end and life teaches you to let go and move on…but moving on from who you are, letting go a part of you? Can we really do that?