Tryst with Destiny...

“ Leelabai, aaj fal nako” I screamed, when I saw her at the gate. It was a hot summer afternoon and I was sitting by the window. Hearing the rejection, she pitched for some fresh and sweet fruits she had...this was usual…then with a signature good bye of “me udya yein parat” (“I will come again tomorrow”), she left. Leelabai, a door-to-door fruit seller in our locality.An aged woman, must be in her sixties, calm face, not displaying much emotions, a stoop in a posture but a strong and hardworking built.

I remember her coming to our house since …well, since my childhood probably. Be it a summer afternoon, a rainy day or a cold winter, she used to come, everyday, even on Sundays. She was a part of our daily routine. Her timing was also almost fixed. 1 pm in the afternoon. I don’t really remember her talking much, nothing other than about fruits.

Most of us didn’t know anything about Leelabai apart from her name. Once I asked Mom, out of curiosity and what I found out was very surprising and yet humbling in many ways. Leelabai was a widow, whose widowed daughter was working as a nurse in a nearby hospital. Her grandson was doing MBBS at JJ Hospital, Mumbai. Leelabai was selling fruits to fund her grandson’s fees in whatever way she could.

It was a fine evening of April 2009. Mom gave me mithai, which I was almost about to keep down with frowning face. Then I was told that Leelabai had given that mithai. Her grandson got a job at a hospital in Mumbai. Now she wouldn't have to sell fruits anymore, she was moving to Mumbai to stay with him. She was relieved from all her troubles and miseries. I couldn't even imagine the happiness of that proud grandmother. An evanescent thought appeared in mind, that I should have bid her a proper farewell. 

Diwali of 2009 was just like usual for everyone, a festival of light and hope. One afternoon, just when we were about to start our lunch, we heard a usual call, “Bai, kahi deu ka?” (“Madam, do you want anything?”). Leelabai?!... Excited to know all about her stay in Mumbai, about her grandson’s job, we went to open the door. There she was. Looking frail, tired and exhausted than ever, her eyes had gone deep, standing testimony to sleepless nights and stoop in her posture was more visible now. It seemed as if she had aged by ten years suddenly. With a lot of trouble she put down the heavy basket of fruits from top of her head. Shock and concern replaced all the excitement on our faces. “Kay deu?” (What do you want?”). She asked, oblivious to our question marks.Struggling to find correct words Mom asked her, “ When did you come from Mumbai? How long are you here?”…She looked up. Phrase which I had read only in books, “Seeing pain in someone’s eyes”, I experienced it that day. Leelabai sat down, railing back on the wall.

“ I was waiting at Dadar station for Raghu, my natu (grandson). My daughter gave me this small telephone, without wire, to contact Raghu. He called me on that phone and told that he and his friend were reaching station in 15 minutes. He asked me to wait a little more. I was waiting…waiting for hours. He didn’t come. No call. Then a boy came searching for me. He looked of my Raghu’s age. He was Raghu’s friend. He took me to Raghu’s hospital. I was tired of waiting and scared of crowed. But, I was about to meet my grandson, so I didn’t care. But I also wanted to scold Raghu, for keeping me waiting for so long. In the hospital room, his friends, some big doctors, they were all standing there and there he was, my Raghu, lying dead on a stretcher. His taxi met with an accident while he was on his way to pick me up. He is gone. Everything is gone. I am back to Nagpur now, to stay here until God calls me to stay with him.” She closed her eyes and wiped a rolling tear with a corner of the padar of her saree.

I don’t know what happened next. I don’t know any details as to how did she manage everything alone. Is she going to continue selling fruits? Where is she going to stay? I know nothing, because I ran inside. I just didn’t have the heart to wait there. After some 20 minutes, I heard her say “Udya yein parat”.

How much we convince ourselves that eventually it all ends well, that HE has pre written our destinies and HE gives everyone their share of happiness. Some times it’s hard to comprehend this so called destiny and wicked tricks it plays.

I never met Leelabai after that. For quite a few days, she continued to come to our house though, selling fruits like usual. After couple of months, routine was broken. She stopped coming to our locality. I could never find out what happened to Leelabai?  Is she still selling fruits? Is she staying with her daughter?  How is she managing at such an old age?   

Life moved on, everybody got busy with their own lives. For most of us, a fruit seller Leelabai is lost in the time and for some of us she still remains in the fragments of our memory. But there is one thing, from that day, I still very much vividly remember. Even after being hit by such a devastating tragedy, she got back on her feet, embraced life, challenged destiny and said, “ I will come back again tomorrow”.

Twisted by Reality...

Twisted by reality, slave of the truth you are

Pure is the lie spoken, its the intention taken far.

Fearless is your heart, mind makes it weak

Biased is your vision, shows what you seek.

Not the consequences but let choices guide your actions.

Conscience is all that matters, why take others sanctions?

Why should they decide, your wrong and their right?

Why even take stand between peaceful struggle or a fight?

It’s heroic to follow your heart, but it may not be always.

Going with the flow with heart on sleeves, also pays.

For the words and beyond...

Experiences, moments, feelings, expressions, emotions…their identity is not complete without you, their existence is not meaningful if not for you!

When I discovered you and depth of your power, your existence, I actually discovered myself through you. If not for you, world would have been just a space bounded with speechless lives struggling to device their purpose.

You don’t judge, you don’t demand. You don’t expect anything, you accept everything. You are at times so simple yet with so much depth. Sometimes you are too complicated but with simplest meaning to convey. You paint the reality and equally depict the fantasy.

I came to you just like anybody else; we met just as it’s supposed to be in the course of everyone’s life.  But now, the more I know you, more you become that very centre in my life, about which everything revolves. Never realized when you became this integral part of me.

You express me so much better than what I could have ever done.  You depict my emotions, sometimes even the ones, which are unknown to me. You become the way I want you to be. You give purpose to my wandering dreams, integrity to my thoughts and sense to my heart. Devoid of grace was this soul so far, you gave the way to salvation.

In those crowded streets or at animated discussions with people around, on the cool breezy lone evenings or in the dreamy nights, when on cloud 9 or at the bottom of the dejected pit of mine, I know for sure, if not anybody, you are always there for me. My destiny is tied to you. In the path of life ahead, you are the fellow traveler, you are the destination and only you are the driving force.  No matter where I go, what I do in life, whether I mange big fat salary job and become a big shot person or I just lead a social life of normal human; I know you and your presence will make a difference. You will bring my lost soul to senses, my heart will try to drift away but you will always get it back on way.

It’s YOU, I owe my life to, my very passion and the essence of my presence on this cosmic platform. After me, it’s you, who will keep my existence alive through you.

This is neither a eulogy I am offering nor an acknowledgement. I can’t offer you something, which, incepts from you, which is already yours.  I am just offering selfish ME indebt to YOUR selfless presence.

Biggest irony here is any offering I make to you; I have to make it through you.

How cam I possibly write, express, feel anything without YOU , O’ dear WORDS

My dear words,  I am truly, deeply and by all complete sense …yours.

Words to set free...

As you wander far, searching for that light

Path that you chose, but place not in sight.

You take a walk with crowd; you are now one of them

You wonder if at least, your purpose won’t be same.

That lamppost, which stood tall, and flag post, which drove you

 It’s their vision that’s gone in mist though clearer is their view.

Time is now more like sand; tighter you hold, it gets away,

It’s a mere spectator of change, as night fades into day.

Each sunrise lightens up, an unexplored corner for you

Some of it you accept but hidden on purpose are few.

You seek freedom for soul in the place that is bounded,

With perceived new identity and an altered self that’s wounded.

 Looking for your spot, to stand firm, to anchor wandering mind,

 Why can’t you follow your light; why rush to search blind?

 Can your heart guide you and these words set you free?

Emerging at the other side, if not deepest passions, what will there be?

Being Better than the Bests....story of a coveted "MBA Life"...

Week 4

When your inbox gets flooded with mails asking you to fill some or the other Google doc on your suggestion about pattern of end term exam paper or which movie to be watched or what song to be selected for fresher’s; when you have many “group works” to submit, so many that you actually loose the track of which one is of which subject ; when the concept of “quiz” starts becoming familiar; and if you don’t have any other work you for sure have one mail from admin about filling your profile sheet ( actually you have filled so many profile sheets now that you have doubt, admin people know more about you than you have ever known about yourself); THIS IS THE  time when you have entered “Week 4 “ or the end of your foundation course stage.

This is also the time when you start using adverbs like, “usually, mostly, now a day”, daily, while talking to your family and friends back home. It is just a month  in collage but now the duration of your stay feels like ages. Economic Times, the paper which you tried reading to “show off “ in your peers at office or friends at collage, understanding an article in which gave you “wow, I am so smart ” feeling, now suddenly becomes a constant tab in your browser along with FB. Normal conversations include heavy words like “utility derived from Game of Thrones compared to derived from Sherlock”, “average cost will be reduced if we go to Poptates”, “ Don’t generalized characteristic of complete population based on few samples” (btw, the discussion here is about fellow batch mates).  You struggle to apply these Eco and Fin concepts in the practice problem given in paper but they come naturally to you while in conversation and that too at a very apt, technically correct situations. Now is also the time when you are learning to mange time. You study, solve assignments ( I think so..) whole night and do the trivial work like sleeping , downloading songs/videos, setting FB status  in the lecture. Well, friends, now that’s what time management is all about, isn’t it?

Amidst all the filing of Google docs (your new effective tool for coming two years) and brainstorms over which committees to be applied, you receive timetable for “end term”.  Please don’t even try and explain your non-MBA school friends, why is your end term just after 4 weeks you have to give end term exam. But ironically, you find these two days of exam little better, as you have to focus on only one thing. As always, you don’t know when your exam started and ended but yes, suddenly every one wants to know implications of getting C or D grade.

Most awaited mail of “PG Lab aka A collage sponsored trip to near by hill station” which is of course preceded by filling up Google spread sheets of questioners and bunch of psychometric tests; marks the end of your Foundation Course and beginning of your actual semester…

Beginning at the End...

Countdown has started. 

Not just weather but also a phase of life is about to change.

 You are standing at the crossroads of two worlds. One, in which you were living so far, was filled with dreams and expectations and another, which will hopefully be real existence of those dreams. The passage joining two worlds is these coming two years.

You are thrilled at the beginning of one whole new era yet sad for the end of one.

It is like reading the last chapter of a great book. You are re-reading the last paragraph. Even though another incredible book awaits, you are not ready to keep this one down.

It is like watching the final scene of your favorite sitcom’s season finale, over and over again. Though new season is just round the corner, you are still hung up on that last scene.

Summer is gone but you are still holding those dried leaves.

 No matter how exciting, thrilling future looks, no matter how eagerly you await that future, you are just not ready to move on. Not now. Not yet.

But whether you are ready or not, change is inevitable.

You close the book, exit the media player, you let the leaves fall.

You wonder, whether moving on will mean leaving behind the part of you? Is this resistance because of the unfamiliarity of future or because of familiar past?  Is this the overwhelming thrill or just a foolish fear?

Finally the conflict ends. Mind triumphs over the muscle.

You have picked up the new book. New season is getting downloaded. And you take the drops of first welcoming rain on your face.

“No matter how much the future is scary you can’t cling to the familiar past. You go up front and face the future” ; a cliché dialogue from some tv series now suddenly becomes beautiful thought.

Then you realize, there are many sailing with you and you are not alone. There are many who have gone ahead who will guide you and you are not lost. There are some people, some things who have become so much part of you that no matter what,they will be just the same for you; Like small clear voices in heart, like your North Stars.

Taking your North Stars with you, holding unto your dreams for future;

Now you are not sad for the end.

 NOW you are ready to move on.

...ready to pick up a pen and write yet another beginning...

Moving On...

On the big scheme of time, I am just a mere name,

Yet it changes me, though I want to remain same.

I live life in moments and the experiences I take,

Going through every change a new self is what I make.

To “let go and move on” is a hardest thing I find,

Coz with each step ahead, a part of soul is left behind.

 Now I seek, those things and people, which are solely of my own.

They are the sense and purpose, of my existence beyond known.

They are part of me and will change alike me in same ways,

As I move on every time, they will be with me… always…

Have you ever had a dream...

Have you ever had a dream, which you nurtured close to your heart.

Every single night you pray to God with this dream in eyes. This dream becomes the reason for your sleepless nights and inspiration of all your efforts.

All the decisions you take, choices you make revolves around achieving this single dream. It is like your very existence is linked to it.

People tell you that it is just an obsession. But only you know that it’s your passion. They say you are making it larger for no reason and it is not the destination of life. But only you know that it is that path which will lead to your destination. Only you can feel that this dream has become larger than any of your other wishes.

You put in your efforts, pull in your best. You know that your conviction will force Universe to conspire for you. You have this immense faith on Universe and more on your self.

You fail in achieving this dream. Not just once but twice. People tell you, it is a lost cause.  Your own people start doubting your capabilities. But you stand firm. You fight. You fight against every failure in your past life, fight for all those occasions when life denied you what you deserved. You fight against that every single person who mocked you in your failure and left. It is your only chance and you know it. Last chance to earn the lost glory, to earn that lost respect, to make your dream come true.

 Once you have done your part by putting the best of you out there, taking your final stand, now the Verdict lies at the hands of fate.

Then it all begins. That long dreary wait. Feeble attempts to weigh the odds and make statistical guesses. You hate the fact nothing is left in your hand. That your dream now lay at the hands of unseen Force puling strings in the name of destiny.You feel helpless. Your only weapon to get through this phase is HOPE…

And then it happens.

That moment arrives. Not with some background rock music or sweet symphony. It just comes unannounced. Simply like any other day, like any other time.

YOU did it. Your dream has come true. The moment you always imagined. You had wondered how you yourself would react to it.

But like they say, ‘When you reach there, there is no There there.”

It is not triumph, not exuberance of emotions and not even cloud 9. What you feel at that exact movement is : Peace. Solace. Calmness. You let your soul drown in it. It just takes you fraction of seconds to absorb this glory, to accept that your dream is right here in real.

You feel like you have always belonged to this moment all your life so far. All the dots are now getting connected. Path to your destination is now set.

Then people ask me, “How do you feel now?” After all this big buzz for over past couple of years, “How can you be so calm after getting your so called dream?”

And I reply, “It is my moment. No one else in the world can fathom it’s important but me. This is the feeling you can’t describe. You can only feel it”.

And my words fall short here…