“You
look familiar. I have seen you somewhere. But I don’t remember where?”
“How
can you not remember? I was your playmate…we were just in primary school. We
used to play all day long in the backyard. Climbing on the trees and pretend treks to find the treasure. But we never wandered out of your backyard
or threw stones at the kittens because Mother told us not to do so…”
“Oh…yes…Now I do...Happy
days. Probably the best…Honestly I was scared back then with the idea of real
treasure hunt in the outside world. But you made me feel safe. What happened
then? Where did you go?”
“You
seriously don’t remember anything?...You grew up. Your games changed. But I was
right there when you started riding bicycle. I was right there when you for the first time drove two-wheeler to the college. I was riding alongside.”
“I
thought I had become responsible and bold person now that I can drive. Silly I was.
Hadn’t seen the world much."
“Yup.
You were silly. Your dreams were naïve…I loved the day you learnt how to drive a
car. Your first drive alone…confident, independent you…”
“Oh…yes..I remember vaguely...you were with me when I fought with Dad to take the car to the
graduation farewell. I was angry when he denied. But you held my hand and told
me that’s the sign of growing up…generation gap or something.
Now
that I think of it, through all my graduation… I was tempted to give in to peer
pressure…My fashion sense changed; lingos changed; bigger dreams. There was a
time when I though I had found “new me” and no matter what Mother said this
“new me” sounded better. But you talked sense into me…how can I forget
that…??!”
“But
you left me behind. You moved out of house for a job, higer education…you went
to the bigger cities. You visited home for a brief period, mostly in Diwali. I
saw you from the distance and admired you. Your newly found confidence,
toughness to take on the world, your rebel spirit and maturity & wise
thoughts drawn out of exposure to the real world.”
“ Really? You admired me?...wait…You could see the change in me? I never
realized I had…But I am sorry.I never really missed you…let alone I never
thought of you. It is like you never existed. Why is it so? How can I be so ungrateful?
And …why are you are here today?”
“You
look far more different today. You have been pretty much on the transformation
curve. I am happy for you. And don’t be sorry or be hard on your self. If you
would have hold on to me, you wouldn’t have been the kind of person you are
today. You wouldn’t have found your true self. You have found your true self
...right?”
“ I
guess so. But now…when I go back home…I have to pretend to be old me, cause
that’s what they all expect from me. When I am here…I don’t have to put in
efforts. I am “me”. Is it wrong? This pretention? To live with alter egos? Do I
have to see a shrink??”
“Hell
no. This is not “shrink type” of case. Don’t be silly. It is just…you have
grown up, moved on,you are following your dreams. You are discovering new aspects of
life and your self. Back home, they still see you though my shadow. They
compare you with me and hence the expectations. I feel its really nice of you
try to fit in to their expectations.”
“But
do I have to continue like this for ever? It takes an effort and it’s
frustrating at times. It is like I don’t know who I am any longer. I am
fooling everyone and myself. Why can’t they just accept this “new me”…?”
“Well,
that’s a hard question to answer. You just have to work around their
expectations.”
“Why
are they comparing me with you? Is that why you are here? To tell me all this? I
am about to enter into another important phase of life…and I can’t carry on with this
self-conflict. Is it a good coincidence that you came here to meet me
today…the day I am fighting this melee?”
“You
still don’t get it. Do you? I didn’t come looking for you. You came. You came
searching for what you left behind. You are seeing me today because you want to
know how much you have changed. You are trying to understand what folks back home are
expecting out of you.”
“No…I
don’t like where it’s going. I don’t like this tone of yours. You are making me
feel guilty. May be it’s a nostalgia…”
“May
be. But it is more driven by the fact that you feel you have to make a
choice going ahead. A catch 22 really…To stand up to your own individualistic
principles or give in to the more socially accepted and emotionally driven
expectations of your folks. It is a tough one I must agree. And, sadly I don’t
have any answers for you. I can only show you who you were and who you are
today. You have to draw your own inference and make your own choice…”
“ But does it have to be a choice? Can
both of us not co -exist? Can you not be little more like me and I change back
to little like you? This way all are happy.”
“Ahh!
The golden mean… But has anyone ever found it? Maybe you can be the first…”
“You
do sound hopeful. But then, I can’t give up who I am. Can I? What’s the point if I
give in to everyone’s expectations? What kind of life that will be? I will
loose myself and I am scared I will never find myself again…wait…where are you
going? We just met after a long time and you have to get me out of this …"
“I
believe in you. And I know you will find your answers…but I am your past to
be cherished and not the baggage to be carried. You have already found what you
were looking for. Now the question is, what you do with it? Whether you embrace
the reality or keep on avoiding it?
Can
you find a way to be “you” without loosing yourself? Every one has an alter
ego. But should it be a be the
conflict creator, somebody you hide behind? Or a friend, a strength to fight conflicts with?”
