I looked up and met his eyes. He had that same confused, childish yet pensive look on his face. That same look which drove me crazy once, same look which irritated me and like any other typical love story, that same look which made me fall for him. But today it was this very look that was hurting me. I wanted to yell at him, “Say something. At least, let me know what you are thinking.” But ironically enough I already knew what he was thinking. I could feel his thoughts. I just wanted him to voice them out for once, at least today, because I knew that, if not today then it’d be never. I was holding his hands, looking at him searching for answers. But he…he was just giving me that look, not hiding away, but meeting my eyes with a confidence of an ignorant child. It was as if this was just another night, as if there was no significance of that moment for him, as if he was completely oblivious to the situation, to all that was there between us. I was holding his hands tightly; hopelessly and desperately hung up on may be not him but the idea of him. And then just as easily as one shrugs the leaves off one’s shoulder, he released himself, turned around and started walking away…
I was looking at him going away from me, distance increasing every second. He was walking away on that same road on which we took many walks together; I, trying to figure out the mystery that he was and he, fighting the internal conflicts as always. This road which brought us closer, today was taking us apart. If this was some “me too novel “by an IITian or an Ashton Kutcher rom-com movie, there would have been an “If you look me in the eye” types background score, a quiet breeze and he would have turned around after taking few steps…he would have turned back, would have come running towards me, a passionate hug and a happy ending of a love story. But sadly this was a real life. No one here simply acts on impulse or follows his heart just like that. Even though I wanted to, I didn't stop him or told him that he meant more than a friend to me. Both of us were weighing consequences; practicality, logic and rationale were withholding the heart from doing something impulsive.
To my disappointment, there were no tears rolling down my cheeks nor did I feel somebody wrecking my heart. In fact, I felt angry, sad, hopeless and silly at the same time. And that’s when this strange thing happened. YOUR thought crossed my mind. Out of the blue, after years…just like we stumble upon something long forgotten while looking for something else, your thought appeared in my mind. I was perplexed for seconds and then I understood the cruel joke fate had played. It was the similar setting, wasn’t it? You were looking at me walking away. I wanted to but I didn’t turn back. I could feel your eyes on me, even for a moment thought you were saying, the SRK fame “palat.palat.palat”. But I didn’t. I told myself, I am doing this because I wanted us to be friends and not complicate things. But the truth was, I was scared. I was too logical and practical at that time to even feel “the feelings” or to even realise the gravity of yours. And I walked away.
Life came to me in full circles. Now I knew how you must have felt that day. I was guilty of your pain and broken heart; today I have paid for it. But when I walked away from you, I walked away from a dear friend who never came back. Today, when he was walking away from me, I was going away from a guy who taught me to express things even though he never did, a guy who made me listen to my heart though he always had the most logical view towards everything around. He himself remained inside his cocoon but brought down the walls I had built around myself. I thought for a brief moment, that I am at a loss again. This thought was terrifying. And just when I thought I am entering a rabbit hole, this epiphany happened. When he was walking away, I felt all those feelings which I never thought I would, which I always considered very cheesy or “not my thing”. I thought feelings and tears make me weak and I always refused to accept that I am an emotional person. But today I found that balance. This surge of feelings gave me a new strength. I felt my heart and all that crap they write about in novels and show in movies. And strangely it felt good. I felt alive. I will endure this moment of him walking away and come out strong, just like I am sure you must have. I will remember this not because someone I loved walked away but because I met this mysterious love, because I met “me” hidden behind false fears, because I also got one story to tell… And it is all because…he walked away…
