Dil ke zaronke se

Zamana  ishq karta raha aur hum ishq ko samajh ne me waqt jayar kar gaye. 

Do baaten duniya ko samjha di,  par kudh to fir bhi nadan reh gaye.

Mauka mila jab dil ki bazı lagane ka

Tab jeet ke dar se, khud se hi haarte gaye.

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Ae zindagi ab teri sharten hai na-manjoor.

Meri khwaishonko na saza de, hai ye zamanen ka kasoor.

Mana ke chahat pe ada, mera dil bhi hai thoda majboor. 

Par kya karega baghi? Zindagi is par tera hi to hai suroor. 

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Ae zindagi aise jeene ki aadat na dal, kabhi kisi pe marne ki izazat na hogi.

Tanhai me jeene ki ibadat na kar, humsafar se kisi din shikayat si hogi.

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Kabhi kisi maud par fir mulakat hogi

Adhuri si thi jo thi fir wahi baat hogi.

Aadha sa izhar aur pura sa inkar,

Fir koi shuru takrar hogi.

Shayad khatam ho ne ko hi, nayi shuruwat hogi

Kabhi kisi maud par fir mulakat hogi.

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Dil ke andhere ko roshni de us shayri ki aas hai

Tere dehlij par chod aaye the us mohobbat ki talash hai.

Khayalon ne zinda rakha hai dil ko

Sawal zindagi ke to yuhi mar dete.

Umeed ki baazi lagayi hai, jannab,

Warna ishq ke khel me kab ka har jate.

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E dil-e-nadan teri khatan kya hai? Dard me milite khushi me rakha kya hai?

Tufano me kashti dal ke ab tak jee rahe the, aaj sahilon pe utarke na pucho saja kya hai?

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Gawara hai zindagi se koi shikayat rakhna,

Ek gila zindagi ko hum se bhi hai.

Sans lena yaad rakhte hai har pal

Par kya wo lamha hum jeete bhi hai? 

Coffee.

It has always been about a conversation. It has always been about a world with you and me.

Sometimes they said, they did not enjoy coffee, sometimes their choice of vice was tea. 

I did’t bother because coffee has always been about you and me. 

Then coffee became a habit or was it just about you? 

But then you said one day, it’s just  about what it is. Oh you loved coffee still but now your world was new.

Coffee still remained about a conversation. And about a world lost within me and just memories of you.

We don't know it yet, but may be we are winning!

The best oscar acceptance speeches have never been heard on TV or discussed on social media. They remain safely with the shampoo bottles and high school trophies. Back pages of the old notebook has scene many more autographs and so many school science projects have smiled at the dreams of Nobel laureates. Tennis racket behind the door is still waiting to kiss the Wimbledon grass court. Small pubs, near the tech parks and shiny glass towers, now hold all these secrets. It was never about the fame or the money or the fad, deep down it was always about that feeling of winning. The achievement after the long toil, oasis after a long road in the desert, that feeling of hard work being paid off. Life now is about salary and promotions on a path of pretences and existentialist crisis. But the search of that feeling is on. Kudos from boss, pat from colleagues, a thumbs up from a client; does it live up to the feeling we are searching for? For some of us may be, for most of us not. 

It was tough getting up early for that 8 am meeting specially after handling family crisis a night before, managing house on our own is tough and still we managed the submission of that analysis document over weekend. No we didn’t deserve it  but we got into that shit anyway and we put up a smile in front of the people around, that was indeed brave. Mediocracy was never a curse, who so ever made us believe that, was wrong. Because, through our academic and professional life, reaching above average was an achievement we never gave ourselves credit for. We were never happy being at the middle of bell curve, we always aspired for the top, doesn’t  that sheer will to reach for stars  separates us from rest? May be we don’t know this yet. But just getting by this mundane day, doing our best every moment, bringing smile on someone’s face, being a friend’s shoulder to lean on, trying to be a pillar for the family, giving our seat to a stranger in a metro or just telling ourselves ‘ let’s do better next day’; may be all this counts for something. May be that shampoo bottle knew, may be that autograph in an old notebook had guessed it back then that we will win someday. It might not feel like, but these collective moments will give us that feeling we are searching for. May be we don't’ it yet, but we are winning! 

Broken

“Sometimes, the seemingly most cowardly acts have the boldest intents. But unfortunately, only the acts are seen and judged but the intents get clouded” 

 Sadly, she knows this heroic philosophical thought is just her attempt to make peace with herself. 

Letting him go was the toughest decision she had taken. Decision that was right for him for very wrong reasons and possibly wrong for her for many right reasons. How could she have possibly made him understand why leaving him was the only offering she had in response to his immense love & passion? How could she have told him that he could have become her Mr. Right but she just couldn’t have been his perfect Lady Love? How could she have made him believe that this was not out of lack of love but the presence of purest form of it?

She had put up a coward face of being emotionally dysfunctional, of going by head over heart. But the bravely fought melee within was always about the strongest emotions. He had said, not being together would be the regret in future. How could she have convinced him that this regret is something she can live with but can’t bear the regret of being together and hurting him?

Burdened with guilt and unknown fear now she desperately attempts to resurrect her wounded soul. It is not easy. It is un-conventional and most of all never understood by anyone.His hurt and pain will always be justified. It will have tag of a broken heart. It will be tended with sympathies and in time it will be healed when he meets his love again. But no one will ever know or understand the excruciating pain in the broken corner of her heart which she will have to bear like a pin prick for years to come without even her future love, if any, realising it needs healing. This pricking pain and guilt will be her retribution cloud and the strength acquired after enduring this pain will be his silver lining. 

All said and done, she will always be guilty of breaking his heart and no amount of radical perception can change that naked truth. She will always be spoken as being fickle & selfish and he will always be respected for his actions inspired from this unfathomable force of love.In time to come, things will fall in place and in his happy song, hopefully she will find the notes of her solace. 

But for now, universe is with him. There are heroic legends, there are songs and even fellow travellers for him to move on. But for her, there is only her own shadow. There is broken heart, misplaced dreams and broken faith for her to hold on.

Her Parents’ Daughter

“Tell her, classes are more important. She is anyways coming home for Diwali.” Mira said while leaving the room.
 “I heard her Dad” said a disappointed voice from the other end of the phone. 
Vinayak gave “the looks" to his wife and put on his “I am your friend not Dad” hat to console their daughter. “I know this semester’s subjects are not that interesting. But don’t miss collage for this party. It is going to be boring. Mom’s colleagues and friends. All adults, you will be bored. Not worth the trouble that’s all. Listen, I am getting late for work. I will call you later. Take care beta.”

 He picked up his shoulder bag, car keys and left the room to join Mira at the breakfast table. Next thirty minutes were dragged with trivial small talks, tip toeing around the topic of the hour.
 “Vinu, I just think a little distance would do good. Of course I want her to be around. But she needs to learn discipline and get more serious about studies. Boarding school decision was ours, not mine alone” Mira spoke defensively. 
She had rested both her elbows on the table with hands clasped. “I am not saying anything” Vinayak said without looking up at her. “Exactly. You not saying anything, has said a lot. You are stirring your coffee from past five minutes. I can read your face” said Mira getting up from the table. 
Vinayak looked up, their moist gaze met with with each other. “Miru, we are not bad parents and not at all bad people. We are doing it for her own good. Stop beating your self. You are not guilty of anything” he said, stressing on each word. 
“It sure doesn’t feel like that” said Mira while picking up her stuff and storming out of the kitchen. 

Mira came back from her clinic at around five. She saw, Vinayak’s car was already parked in the garage. He had planned to come home early, to prepare for the party which was to be hosted over weekend. Vinayak was in the back yard, clearing up some old boxes. She froze at the door when she saw him holding the old racket set and getting all choked up. He and Aarna used to play badminton a lot. It was their Sunday routine. Aarna was really good at it. 
“Aarna would have been twenty this year.” thought Vinayak. He looked over at the frisbee they had bought for her. Just like her parents, she was fond of all these outdoor activities. “But Aadya, well, she barely comes out of her room. Always with her headphones. I don’t even remember when was the last time I spent  quality time with her. She is nothing like either of us. How can she even be?” Vinayak laughed at his own thoughts. It is difficult for human beings to accept the truth especially if it is putting themselves in the bad light. That struggle of acceptance manifests into different emotions, for Vinayak it was anger. In the next split second he threw away the rackets and kicked that box of old stuff. Mira came rushing towards him. 
She had always been the stronger of the two. She hugged and held him close, “It’s all right.You only said, we are not bad parents. We will get it right.” 

Poonam came early to help Mira and Vinayak with the set up. “Hey there birthday girl, looking good. Blue again?” Poonam hugged her friend lovingly at the door as Mira welcomed her. 
“Girl?? I am fifty today, Pu. And you are late.” Both of them walked inside the common room. “Speaking of girl, where is yours? Is she coming?” Poonam asked. 
Mira just made a face and Poonam realised she had touched a nerve. After all, their friendship went back to school days. They had been by each others’ side through all the ups and downs. When Aadya’s reckless and rebellious behavioural traits became visible, Mira requested Poonam to counsel her. Poonam was a psychologist, but child physiology was not her expertise. She still agreed as they all wanted to keep this matter discrete. Mira and Vinayak had been through a lot, they did not need  another episode of people in their social circle gossiping around. Aadya’s tantrums at few of the social events had already given people enough to talk about. “Look Mira, I am speaking to you as her doctor now and not your friend. I have been telling you this, pushing her away will not help. You need to be with her to help her though this. She is showing real progress.” 
That sparked a little heated discussion between the two friends, Vinayak also joined the conversation. It was not new; they had been having this discussion for months now. Poonam struck a final blow. “Don’t punish her for not being Aarna”. Immediately realising  that she went a little far, Poonam apologised. 
A door bell saved the heaviness in the room from further thickening. As the guests started pouring in, mood lightened. And then just before they were about to start dinner, door bell rang again. “I will get it” said Vinayak and opened the door. “What a surprise beta. How did you? Why didn’t you tell us?” Aadya entered with a small bag-pack and her guitar; wearing a nice blue dress and heels. With a big smile on her face she went and hugged Mira, “Happy 50th Mom. Liked my surprise?” Mira was happy and startled at the same time, she did not know exactly how to react. “Did you take a flight? When did you book? How did you manage?” She asked while giving a questioning glance at Vinayak. “Ofhoo. Questions later. I have one more surprise for you” she said, while taking out a pen drive from her bag-pack. 
Aadya gathered everyone near the TV and started the video. First picture popped up on the screen; It was of three of them, taken on the day they brought her home. Aadya was barely three years old. It was received with awws and gasps in the room. Then there were series of video messages from Mira’s friends, family and colleagues at the hospital. There were few recent photos of Aadya and Mira; both of them were posing with the head tilted sideways a little. Some one even commented, “Look at her Mira, she has picked up your trademark pose”. Mira and Vinayak were standing in the middle of the room with their hands held tightly. Aadya was standing near the TV, looking at everyone with the same big smile. Mira observed her. She was looking tall today in that blue dress, nicely cleaned up, hair falling on the shoulder. 
Mira was seeing her after almost six months. Suddenly she felt Aadya had grown up and no longer was the teenager who had give them a hard time for the last one year. Interesting how human mind is; when you notice one small thing about some one, suddenly it starts a chain reaction and you start picking on all those finer things which you had missed earlier. Mira realised how Aadya’s wardrobe was also in the shades of blue like hers, how she also wore an anklet in one leg and rolled a hair strand softly behind her ears while reacting to compliments, just like Mira. After the video screening, Aadya played a small self composed song on her guitar, dedicated to Mira. Every one was all in praise for her. Aadya was clearly the show’s topper of the evening. She even mixed up and socialised with the guests over dinner. 
Vinayak was sitting next to Aadya when desserts were served. He was asking her about how she booked her travel, how she managed to contact everyone for the video messages. He observed she had taken out resins from the custard at the side of the plate, just like he had. “Aadu, you too?” He pointed at her plate. “ Yah. I don’t like them in the custard.” she said with her typical bunny rabbit expression. Vinayak chuckled and said encouragingly, “I know, right? Me neither. By the way, don’t tell your Mom.” “Of course. It is our little secret Dad. I have enough of lectures in collage, don’t want one on food habit” Aadya replied excitingly. 
Party was at the fag end; “must get going” and “what a lovely party” conversations were building up. Srikant was discussing with Poonam about one latest article in the Medical Journal. The article was about the role DNA plays in shaping up personality traits and human behaviour. “So Mira, what’s your take? Nature or Nurture? Don’t you think Dr. Sriram’s sample set was not completely representative?” Mira was looking past their shoulders. Aadya was showing her Guitar to Vinayak and explaining some thing. Their smiling and happy faces was all the data point she needed. “They always find a way to balance each other” Mira replied. Srikant didn’t understand the comment, but Poonam did. 
Some one called in for few photos and selfies. Poonam volunteered to take the family photo of Mira, Vinayak and Aadya. That photo did look like three different pieces fitting together, strikingly different shades giving rise to a beautiful modern art. “Great job with the video, dear.  And you have a lovely voice. Your parents are zero when it comes to Art and Music. You are so different than either of them.” One of the guests commented. Everyone laughed at the light leg pulling. Some one took the opportunity to take a jibe, “These two are so quiet and simple folks. I hear you are the chatterbox, the drama queen of the house.” 
While the laughter continued, Aadya’s face lost it’s colour. “You are not their daughter” is what she read through those comments. Mira quickly wrapped her hand around her, pulled her closer and said lovingly, “Well, she is still her parents’ daughter”. 
That three year old, from the picture which was still paused on the TV screen, was smiling in the comfort of having found new parents. 

Overtime

He carefully measured  freshly brewed coffee powder, poured it in a filter and started the espresso machine. The aroma behind the counter just heightened. With lightning speed he took a “Grande” size cup from the shelf and placed it neatly below the espresso nozzle. His actions were swift and mechanical. Although it wasn’t crowded at this hour, he was just so used to this set routine. He was trained in this routine to minimise service time. He was also trained to greet the customers and smile at them. But when the regulars walked inside the cafe every day usually around 8.30 in the late evening, his smiles and greetings were genuine. 

This Starbucks was just convenient for Anushka. It was right in the campus of her office in Brigade Towers. After a long day at work, one cup of “tall Americano with cream” is all what she needed to get her spirits up.But almost all the time, she took a take away in a hurry to avoid getting stuck in traffic on Outer Ring road to her home in CV Raman Nagar. It was only since past few days she had started doing overtime at work and had started opting for “have it here” option.Her spot was also fixed; last side table by the window with a view of the mall, bustling with noise and lights. Coincidently it was Sameer’s favourite spot too. But he has been enjoying late evening coffee at that table for almost a month now. But they never had crossed paths at cafe so much to start a conversation; at times had only exchanged few pleasantries. But today was different, somehow the timings matched and this conversation happened. 

“Do you mind?” Sameer pointed at the empty chair in front of her. Giving quite a deliberate glance over the almost empty sitting area, Anushka replied, “ Sure. Clearly I don’t see any other empty seat”. Taken aback by the mean sarcasm Sameer almost snapped, “Hey. Don’t be rude. Actually this is my usual spot. Don’t bother, I will sit somewhere else”. 

“I am sorry. Didn’t mean to be rude. Please have a seat. This is my Sheldon spot too” Anushka said. With a silent chuckle Sameer settled himself in the chair wondering if he was little out of the line by insisting to sit at that table. 

“So you also come here regularly?” Anushka broached the silence. 

“ Yah. From past couple of weeks actually. Same time, same place”  Sameer smiled. 

“Wow. You seem to be doing overtime at work. Didn’t know you product guys also have to stay this late?” Anushka said it in a little mischievous yet caustic tone.

“Hey, it’s not like only you business folks have so much work on their plate." Words came out of his mouth like darts fired and landed straight into Anushka’s coffee mug. Anushka took the onus on her to swiftly change the topic. 

“ I was just kidding ya. Actually, I like to come here just to catch a little break from everything.”

It could have been his over enthusiastic imagination but he did feel that on this sentence, Anushka’s smile really didn’t reach her eyes. There was more to that “everything” than just work. But shrugging off that thought he too replied with similar “because I am really expected to” smile, “Ya. Tell me about it. Now a days  I actually  look forward to my coffee time here.”

“ I am sorry to have intruded in your lone coffee time then.” 

“Nah nah..Technically I was the one who intruded. Anyways, a fellow coffee lover company is always welcomed.” 

Half completing her sip, Anushka threw the words quite excitedly, “ Let us make a deal. We won’t talk about work at all for the next 30 mins we are here.We will talk about anything else…coffee, other interests, movies…”

“ Deal. Although I have an objection. Why just 30 minutes? I don’t mind staying till they shut the cafe. It’s high time Bangalore should do something about this 11 clock deadline”

“Yah, Only weekend extension is not enough. But I guess it's enough for this break. I don’t think I have a luxury of so much time today. Well, Mr. Sameer, some of us have people waiting at home, so." For some reason she gave a quick glance at her wedding ring as if to make sure it is there. A voice inside was laughing and telling her, “That’s it. That dreadful day has arrived. You have turned into a typical “married” girl, using “family” as an excuse."

“Madam, I have a family  too.” Not just words but he also flashed his phone in front of her with the photo of his wife and a few months old kid. “It’s just…you see…it’s good to catch such breaks”. Rest of the words couldn’t really come out of his mouth, they lingered somewhere in his thoughts. 

“ Yah, I get it. A little time to yourself is much needed at times. And that’s Kartik, right? How many months old now?” She gave a courtesy smile. 

“ Six months.” Both of them were now looking down at their half finished coffee mugs, aimlessly fiddling with the stirrer. Not knowing what exactly to talk to break this silence, Anushka just spoke the first words which she could think of, “But don’t you wait eagerly to get back home and see your little baby?” He knew it was a casual and most natural enquiry yet those words pricked Sameer and then next it was his guilt speaking, “Hey it’s not like I am avoiding going home early. But at times it is too much… gets on your nerve. I…” Then came the realisation of sharing too much when not required and he bit his tongue.  Anushka was taken aback and she almost felt like ducking to avoid those words from falling on her. “ I am sorry. I did not mean that" is all she managed to say. Then again there was that long awkward silence. 

Sameer was not even listening. He was already lost in his thoughts. He was thinking if these are the exact words he should use to talk to his wife.His was the same old story. They were not ready but nobody ever is. But soon they realised that it is a big responsibility. They had to bring so many changes in their lifestyles; less social hang outs and a hectic routine with work and a kid. Everyday he looked at his wife; hopeful, confused, helpless and guilty. And he was met with the same glance. Overtime at work and late evening coffee was just his excuse to stay away from home. He didn’t feel proud about it. Probably most married people do this at some point or the other in their lives. He just felt guilty and helpless. He didn’t want to admit to himself that he can’t handle responsibilities and was acting like a coward. 

Barista’s loud and enthusiastic “Welcome to Starbucks” halted his guilt train. As if woken up from a quick nap, he looked up and met with Anushka’s concerned gaze. She was clearly trying to put two and two together. “Listen, I know it’s none of my business but any trouble at home?” Anushka tried to put up a matured face while in her head little devil was mocking her as if telling her, “You have glass walls, don't throw stones at others”. While she was almost hoping that Sameer will avoid the question and change topic, he just got carried away. Even Sameer was surprised. It was as if his brain had no control over his heart which was pouring out all the pent up thoughts and feelings having found a listening ear after a long time. Sometimes it is just easy to open up to a stranger.

Fortunately the awkward silence was filled by barista’s “Last order” from behind the counter. Slowly the heaviness in the air also dialled down.After patiently listening to Sameer, Anushka took a good one minute to put together her response. “So Sameer, thank you.” That was unexpected. Sameer was not just surprised to hear that but was strangely irritated. He thought Anushka was kidding but she had her poker face. He did not know how to react.

“ No I really mean it. I know you are expecting some sympathy here or advice may be. But you reinforced my decision. Sort of helped me mitigate the tiny guilt I had”

“ Okay, now you lost me. What are you talking about?”

She took a deep breath and said with a tone of a confession. “ So listening to your predicament , I realised there is no point in rushing into these decisions of having a kid until you are ready. I mean why make that child suffer due to our wrong decisions or lack of responsibility, right? I am even more convinced now, about my decision of not keeping it.  You know what, you should talk to Aditya. He wants this baby. We are having a huge fight over it. But who knows if he  also starts doing “overtime” like you when we actually have this kid and I drown myself in work just so that I can  run away from responsibilities?” 

Sameer was baffled and shocked. Out of all the  expected responses,  this was never even on his mind. Anushka had this strange expression on her face; that expression of relief when somebody tells you “It is not your fault”. But Sameer was not ready to take that burden on his shoulder and be the reason or inspiration for ending a life so to speak. This was completely unexpected. How does somebody even react to that? 

“Hey hey hey, now hold on. Don’t thank me and all. It’s your personal decision. I am Pro Choice and all. But it’s not as grave as you are making it sound like. I am stupid. It’s my momentary laps. I will recover for sure. I mean unless you jump into the water you will never learn how to swim. I know I am sounding cliche here but I am just saying don’t make your decision based on one jerk like me. Just be open to both the options. okay?”  Tables were turned. Sameer was actually surprised that he could talk sense.

Anushka just gave a faint smile and nodded. Coffee was over long time back and as both of them realised so was the conversation. Sameer was the first one to get up hurriedly. “ Good night. See you tomorrow at work. And thank you” 

“Will save up a seat for you here” Anushka asked with an unspoken question mark at the end. 

“Amm…I dont think I will be doing overtime from tomorrow" Sameer replied with a clam yet serious face, a face of someone who has just had a self reveleation. As he was about to get inside his car, he looked back. Anushka was standing near her car searching for  keys in her bag. He had this strange thought. He paused for a moment but then immediately shouted, “It was all made up. You said that just to make me realise my mistake without sounding preachy. Right? One brilliant move. There cant be so much of a coincidence. It can't be true? right?" Anushka  just stared right back at him. For the first time today evening she had a mischievous grin on her face which reflected in her eyes. “Why would you say so? It can be true. Good night Sameer. Give my regards to Krithika  and Kartik”. She got inside her car, started the engine and drove away. Sameer looked at her car going away with a confused expression. He was impressed by Anushka’s move and started dialling Krithika as his car took a reverse on a driveway.

Somewhere on the ninth floor balcony of Jain Heights at C V Raman Nagar, Aditya was standing, staring at the city sky line. His phone blinked. “ On way home. I am ready to discuss. Please wait up”.

Back at the acafe, barista had locked up the cafe door. He was about to start his bike when his phone vibrated in his pocket. “ Bhai enough with your overtimes. Come home fast. Mom and Dad are fighting again. I cant take it alone”

Table For One?!

“Thirty things you must do before you turn 30”, “Must haves in your bucket list”, “Be a traveller not a tourist” and many more similar articles, blogs and books have talked about this one thing repeatedly, ” Solo Trip”.These two words themselves  have some free spirited energy in them. Well, something that has inspired almost entire of our generation across the world, how can it escape me?. So here I am, adding my penny to the treasure of wisdom already shared on this topic. What different should you expect from this blog than what has already not been said, written or shown? Well, let’s just say, I attempt to give a real scoop behind the reel life of this glorious animal “Solo Trip”. 

The first and foremost thing you need, is one such article to inspire you. Check. Second and the most important thing; Beg your manager for ten days leave. Start by bringing up “how badly I need a break” in the coffee conversations with your manager. I am sure every one has their own trick rolled up their sleeves. But remember this is the most critical step of embarking on your journey. Now once that is checked, it is time to pick a location. Make a list of all the locations you always fancied going to since childhood or saw in the movies or read on social media. Remove the ones which are off season for your dates of travel, ones which have serious safety concerns and the ones which cannot be covered in the limited duration of your vacation. Now open Trivago or Makemytrip and get the idea of airfare, this will further reduce your list. Now pick one from the small list which is left. You would be surprised how the final destination you select might not sound as fancy to talk about as  Croatia, Peru or Jordan sort of a place. But remember this is about experience and not just about place. So now you are all set to make further itinerary. But before you get ahead of yourselves, you still have one more critical task left, “informing about this solo trip plan at home”. Now if you are thinking , “What lame? Who informs at home?” then you are not one of us my friend. Close the browser window and move on. If your folks are super cool then this task is quite easy and can be done on the day of the journey as a "FYI phone cal". If your folks are average chill, then just get that conversation done with. You do not want  any last minute mood offs with “You should have told us before” comments. But if your folks are normal Indian parents, then get ready for some amusing conversation. “ Solo? Why do you want to go alone? Is it safe? Why are your other friends not coming with you?  That’s why we tell you to get married.At least you will have some companion for travel.Your manager gave so much leave? Then come home. Stay with us. You waste too much money, learn to save. You are not taking care of your health.” So on and so forth. The conversation will end with both the parties agreeing to disagree. ( I really want to talk to those travel enthusiasts  or characters from Bollywood movies on how they manage such conversations with their parents). Now finally you are totally set for that glorious, adventurous  and total brag material trip of your life. 

 Let us skip to the day you arrive at your destination. Really there is no different preparation required between planning and actually getting there. It is as simple as “leave the guns, pack the canoe” kind of preparation. So getting back to the day one at the destination. Now on day one, you can experience two very different kind of feelings: 'A torch bearer of the experience seeking generation of gypsies that we are' or 'shit, it was a mistake, look at these happy people travelling with their friends or family'. My advise, get over both the feelings. As only after that the real coveted feeling sets in: Freedom. Absolute freedom to plan your day, eat, sleep, wear whatever you want, just do what you feel like doing. It doesn’t have to be mingling with locals, or going crazy or trekking on the path unexplored ( Read, advised by some one on Trip Advisor). It can be as simple as lazying around at the beach on a hammock with a good novel or sipping Old Monk looking at snow capped mountains. The important thing is keep no pre expectations if you really wish to enjoy. It sounds good on paper to say, “ I don’t want to be a tourist but a traveller.” But in reality, you are just a solo traveller not a lone wolf. If you see other tourists renting a bicycle and roaming around, just do that. Travelling on your own doesn’t mean you do the opposite or simply unheard activities. It just means you do everything your own way. Now everyone talks about all the positives, the shimmering side of the rainbow. Let me also tell you about some disadvantages. Yes, there are a few. You can’t try that interesting looking local dish without wasting it a little  because now you don’t have that one friend who finishes the left portions.Your slippers and bag have to be now left under the watch of a kind fellow tourist sunbathing or a coast guard or left to  fate when you go in for a swim. There is nobody to take that awesome sunset snap for your social media hashtag post. Again you are at the mercy of a fellow traveller you just made friends with a few hours back. If you are buying that local costume  or a  souvenir, your fashion advisor friend is missing to decide which colour looks better. You will end up buying whatever the shop keeper says looks good on you and which will be practically every thing in his shop. If you are hoping to talk to a cute girl sitting across the bar table or a smart looking guy sitting next to you at  a campfire, you do not have your wingman by the side. You really are going solo here. But then again on the  plus side, since no one is there, nobody has to see how that conversation actually went or that scared look on your face when you bungee jumped or how you made fool of yourself because you did not understand the local accent. Now you can pick and choose the stories you want to tell or not to tell when you go back.  More than that much talked about journey of finding your inner self, it is more about stories you created for yourself. It is quite a feeling I must say when asked “ Any solo rider?” at the roller coaster ride and you walk ahead cutting the queue with head held high. You do get a little more perspective about your life when a soccer mom at the side seat says while putting her child to sleep , “I miss  those days when I just backpacked  across Europe. Make the most of this time in your life”.  There is a certain joy in meeting a fellow solo traveller or a group of backpackers and listening to their stories. It’s like a lost animal returning to its herd and your heart screams, “ I belong here. These strangers understand me so well.”  In nut shell this much hyped “solo trip” is nothing but having that time and space which is not  the middle ground of a discussion  but is completely and truly yours. 

“ Miss, your table is ready”.  I close my laptop and get inside the restaurant. “So, table for one?” He asks with a confused smile. “Table for one!”  I respond proudly while smiling from my heart. 

The inglorious battles…

Did you ever stand in front of the dragon with a shining blade in your hand? Were you ever terrorised with the fear of extinction of the human life? Was there ever a time when you took a magic wand in hand and decided to fight the battle for the cause larger than your life? I believe, none of us are fortunate enough to face such situations apart from some vicarious dreams perhaps. This doesn’t mean we never faced any fear, or were never confronted with any life altering situations or stayed out of battles. We fight some or the other battle everyday…it’s just, our battles aren’t glorious enough. 

“It’s only when you face the death, you learn how to live” some famous person has said this in some famous context. This all might sound so abso-ridiculously morbidly philosophical. But isn’t it worth thinking? We all have our monsters hiding under the bed. But they are not green eyed or extra terrestrial or evil wizards. They are just fears…fear of failing, losing some one, losing something, loneliness, dejection, jealousy, greed…We fight with them in our own ways, without legendary rings giving us the armour of shadow, without a magic wand, without guarding angels or ultra advanced gadgets. We do win these battles many a times. But we are never scared enough to know the importance of courage, we never care enough to understand pain of letting go…we never live enough, die enough in the battles to understand importance of life. I think its unfortunate that we never find a cause worth dying for and never find a passion worth living for. 

We all get up in the morning with the hope of changing the world. At least most of us do.  That one twitt against major tragedy, one digital sign on public petition to change the system, an opinion posted on Facebook, raising voice against a wrong we see around.These are the acts which give us that flickering hope that we are a part of a bigger fight,fight that matters and counts. But at the end of the day we realise it’s not enough.Some of us take that bold step, venture out and find their larger battle. They set out to light bulbs in the darker areas, put a book in child’s hand, give a voice to untold stories through their pen or art, make their ideas tangible. Then these brave souls become our batons.But for most of us life still remains ordinary. The search for glory continues.

If we really want to live that greater life then it really is a matter of that first step,how much ever small, believing that it will lead to a bigger cause one day. There are so many battles and fights around us, glorious battles, which are not yet finished, most not even started...waiting for us to begin.  It’s just the matter of a choice, deciding which battle we want to fight. We all want change, victory, better place to live in, better jobs, better system…but we are waiting…waiting for our Gandalf The White to come and guide us…waiting for our Dark Knight to rise...

Walked Away…

I looked up and met his eyes. He had that same confused, childish yet pensive look on his face. That same look which drove me crazy once, same look which irritated me and like any other typical  love story, that same look which made me fall for him. But today it was this very look that was hurting me. I wanted to yell at him, “Say something. At least, let me know what you are thinking.” But ironically enough I already knew what he was thinking. I could feel his thoughts. I just wanted him to voice them out for once, at least today, because I knew that, if not today then it’d be never. I was holding his hands, looking at him searching for answers. But he…he was just giving me that look, not hiding away, but meeting my eyes with a confidence of an ignorant child. It was as if this was just another night, as if there was no significance of that moment for him, as if he was completely oblivious to the situation, to all that was there between us. I was holding his hands tightly; hopelessly and desperately hung up on may be not him but the idea of him. And then just as easily as one shrugs the leaves off one’s shoulder, he released himself, turned around and started walking away…

I was looking at him going away from me, distance increasing every second. He was walking away on that same road on which we took many walks together; I, trying to figure out the mystery that he was and he, fighting the internal conflicts as always. This road which brought us closer, today was taking us apart. If this was some “me too novel “by an IITian or an Ashton Kutcher rom-com movie, there would have been an “If you look me in the eye” types background score, a quiet breeze and he would have turned around after taking few steps…he would have turned back, would have come running towards me, a passionate hug and a happy ending of a love story. But sadly this was a real life. No one here simply acts on impulse or follows his heart just like that. Even though I wanted to, I didn't stop him or told him that he meant more than a friend to me. Both of us were weighing consequences; practicality, logic and rationale were withholding the heart from doing something impulsive.

To my disappointment, there were no tears rolling down my cheeks nor did I feel somebody wrecking my heart. In fact, I felt angry, sad, hopeless and silly at the same time. And that’s when this strange thing happened. YOUR thought crossed my mind. Out of the blue, after years…just like we stumble upon something long forgotten while looking for something else, your thought appeared in my mind. I was perplexed for seconds and then I understood the cruel joke fate had played. It was the similar setting, wasn’t it? You were looking at me walking away. I wanted to but I didn’t turn back. I could feel your eyes on me, even for a moment thought you were saying, the SRK fame “palat.palat.palat”. But I didn’t. I told myself, I am doing this because I wanted us to be friends and not complicate things. But the truth was, I was scared. I was too logical and practical at that time to even feel “the feelings” or to even realise the gravity of yours. And I walked away. 

Life came to me in full circles. Now I knew how you must have felt that day. I was guilty of your pain and broken heart; today I have paid for it. But when I walked away from you, I walked away from a dear friend who never came back. Today, when he was walking away from me, I was going away from a guy who taught me to express things even though he never did, a guy who made me listen to my heart though he always had the most logical view towards everything around. He himself remained inside his cocoon but brought down the walls I had built around myself. I thought for a brief moment, that I am at a loss again. This thought was terrifying. And just when I thought I am entering a rabbit hole, this epiphany happened. When he was walking away, I felt all those feelings which I never thought I would, which I always considered very cheesy or “not my thing”. I thought feelings and tears make me weak and I always refused to accept that I am an emotional person. But today I found that balance. This surge of feelings gave me a new strength. I felt my heart and all that crap they write about in novels and show in movies. And strangely it felt good. I felt alive. I will endure this moment of him walking away and come out strong, just like I am sure you must have. I will remember this not because someone I loved walked away but because I met this mysterious love, because I met “me” hidden behind false fears, because I also got one story to tell… And it is all because…he walked away… 

Alter Ego...

“You look familiar. I have seen you somewhere. But I don’t remember where?”

“How can you not remember? I was your playmate…we were just in primary school. We used to play all day long in the backyard. Climbing on the trees and pretend treks to find the treasure. But we never wandered out of your backyard or threw stones at the kittens because Mother told us not to do so…”

“Oh…yes…Now I do...Happy days. Probably the best…Honestly I was scared back then with the idea of real treasure hunt in the outside world. But you made me feel safe. What happened then? Where did you go?”

“You seriously don’t remember anything?...You grew up. Your games changed. But I was right there when you started riding bicycle. I was right there when you for the first time drove two-wheeler to the college. I was riding alongside.”

“I thought I had become responsible and bold person now that I can drive. Silly I was. Hadn’t seen the world much."

“Yup. You were silly. Your dreams were naïve…I loved the day you learnt how to drive a car. Your first drive alone…confident, independent you…”

“Oh…yes..I remember vaguely...you were with me when I fought with Dad to take the car to the graduation farewell. I was angry when he denied. But you held my hand and told me that’s the sign of growing up…generation gap or something.

Now that I think of it, through all my graduation… I was tempted to give in to peer pressure…My fashion sense changed; lingos changed; bigger dreams. There was a time when I though I had found “new me” and no matter what Mother said this “new me” sounded better. But you talked sense into me…how can I forget that…??!”

“But you left me behind. You moved out of house for a job, higer education…you went to the bigger cities. You visited home for a brief period, mostly in Diwali. I saw you from the distance and admired you. Your newly found confidence, toughness to take on the world, your rebel spirit and maturity &  wise thoughts drawn out of exposure to the real world.”

“  Really? You admired me?...wait…You could see the change in me? I never realized I had…But I am sorry.I never really missed you…let alone I never thought of you. It is like you never existed. Why is it so? How can I be so ungrateful? And …why are  you are here today?”

“You look far more different today. You have been pretty much on the transformation curve. I am happy for you. And don’t be sorry or be hard on your self. If you would have hold on to me, you wouldn’t have been the kind of person you are today. You wouldn’t have found your true self. You have found your true self ...right?”

“ I guess so. But now…when I go back home…I have to pretend to be old me, cause that’s what they all expect from me. When I am here…I don’t have to put in efforts. I am “me”. Is it wrong? This pretention? To live with alter egos? Do I have to see a shrink??”

“Hell no. This is not “shrink type” of case. Don’t be silly. It is just…you have grown up, moved on,you are following your dreams. You are discovering new aspects of life and your self. Back home, they still see you though my shadow. They compare you with me and hence the expectations. I feel its really nice of you try to fit in to their expectations.”

“But do I have to continue like this for ever? It takes an effort and it’s frustrating at times. It is like I don’t know who I am any longer. I am fooling everyone and myself. Why can’t they just accept this “new me”…?”

“Well, that’s a hard question to answer. You just have to work around their expectations.”

“Why are they comparing me with you? Is that why you are here? To tell me all this? I am about to enter into another important phase of life…and I can’t carry on with this self-conflict. Is it a good coincidence that you came here to meet me today…the day I am fighting this melee?”

“You still don’t get it. Do you? I didn’t come looking for you. You came. You came searching for what you left behind. You are seeing me today because you want to know how much you have changed. You are trying to understand what folks back home are expecting out of you.”

“No…I don’t like where it’s going. I don’t like this tone of yours. You are making me feel guilty. May be it’s a nostalgia…”

“May be. But it is more driven by the fact that you feel  you have to make a choice going ahead. A catch 22 really…To stand up to your own individualistic principles or give in to the more socially accepted  and emotionally driven expectations of your folks. It is a tough one I must agree. And, sadly I don’t have any answers for you. I can only show you who you were and who you are today. You have to draw your own inference and make your own choice…”

“ But does it have to be a choice? Can both of us not co -exist? Can you not be little more like me and I change back to little like you? This way all are happy.”

“Ahh! The golden mean… But has anyone ever found it? Maybe you can be the first…”

“You do sound hopeful. But then, I can’t give up who I am. Can I? What’s the point if I give in to everyone’s expectations? What kind of life that will be? I will loose myself and I am scared I will never find myself again…wait…where are you going? We just met after a long time and you have to get me out of this …"

“I believe in you. And I know you will find your answers…but I am your past to be cherished and not the baggage to be carried. You have already found what you were looking for. Now the question is, what you do with it? Whether you embrace the reality or keep on avoiding it?

Can you find a way to be “you” without loosing yourself? Every one has an alter ego. But  should it be a be the conflict creator, somebody you hide behind? Or a friend, a strength to fight conflicts with?”

Aarz kiya hai...

Adhuri si dastan ki adhuri si ye baat hai,

Alfaz hai kai hawaon me na lafzo ka sath hai.

Har koi hai wakif is se ye jo tera mera raz hai

Par khwaisho ki is kahani se hakikat ko aitraz hai.

Do suro me sameti hui ye mere chahat ki bandish hai

Dil ko deti hai dosti ka wasta ye to kismant ki sajish hai.

Ae dil-e nadan ye to zindagi ki shuruwat hai….

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Khamoshi bhi yaha kitna kuch kah jati hai

Har pal hai ek dasta jo hawaome rah jati hai

Milo faili tanahi aur dil ki ye gahrai, kuch bat hai chedti

Kuch mujse, kuch gujarte lamho se, alfaz hai ye magnti

Neeli si fizaone ab mere hi labjo ka hai saj le liya

Bas mai aur meri dhadkan, jaise apne hone pe aaj yakeen aa gaya...

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Akela nahi hai dil tu jo gumrah rahon pe chalta hai,

Maja to safar me hai, fir faslon se kyu darta hai.

Khawab bhi hai tere, betabiya bhi teri,

Gam bhi tera hai aur muskurahate bhi teri.

Hai jo har lamha bas tere khatir, 

to duniya ki fikar kyu karta hai.

Khwaishonko tere udne de jara,

Baate unkahi si kahne de jara

Tere hone ka matlab hi to zindagi hai,

Ab zindagi ko khud se jee le ne de jara…